Relationships and Depression

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God, my life is just full of self-perceived and self-induced tragedies, isn’t it? But I think there’s something worth mentioning in here somewhere, so let’s get right to it.

Having depression and a girlfriend/boyfriend is a really bad call, considering that the person in question also has issues about themself too. Having read the WikiHow for dating when you have depression, I kinda wanted to share what I reflected upon and my conclusions to what happened in my first (and so far only) relationship.

From what I remember reading, my most prominent mistake was that I was too honest and humbling of myself. I guess I got carried away with the fact that I had depression, and that I NEEDED a light…the ‘light’ being my girfriend. Beautiful blonde Australian girl, a couple of months older than me…with anxiety issues, and some troubling family matters at the time. I really put a lot of pressure on her to be my light, even though I kept telling her time and time again that I was there for her. How dark and twisted is that?

But I don’t think a person with depression can really be innocent of that: manipulation of relationships for one’s benefit, that is. It shouldn’t come as a surprise, but it shouldn’t be frowned upon, nor should it be pitied upon.

In the end, I never met her halfway (meaning I never really did much for her except giving her hugs and kisses and saying sweet things to distract her from her stress). Although, I do believe at times I did try to motivate her to do her work, but for the most part she really had everything organised. Me? Organised? Hahaha, yeah…good one…

But really, when it comes down to it, I guess even now I still feel guilty for doing that to her. It was only natural for her to stay away from me, and then completely cut me off afterwards. But I mean…man, I really went far down the path of suicide after that. Just as I thought I was about to get out of that route, I fell right back in as soon as she left. And boy, I twisted my friendship with another girl just to get my head back on track.

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Chunibyou Yoshiko (Yohane).png
Fanart of Yohane a.k.a. Tsushima Yoshiko from Love Live! Sunshine

Haha…demon child is what I am (like Yohane as above)…but in the end, where I am now…well, I’ve gotten over that. I’ve stopped hating myself for supposedly loving someone and then breaking their heart. Now I just know that I’m forever alone, simply because I can’t see myself finding love until I free myself of depression. It’s a dangerous game to risk both your emotions and someone else’s emotions like that. It’s not worth it.

That’s not to say that it won’t work AT ALL…just that it’s HIGHLY unlikely that it will work. Unless, of course, the significant other is somehow extremely dedicated and will never give up a fight if it means benefiting you.

As a side note, the way I work is that the other person has the choice over matters, and if they want my input then they should ask for it. I never want to be commanding, because that will eventually make me a selfish demon…and that’s something I fear I will become if I am not selfless, thoughtful, considerate, or any other things related to thinking about others over myself. I fear selfishness because I saw what it did to me…it got me into this ditch. And now, the only way (that I see) to get out of it is to be selfless…to be considerate of others.

Which is why I made this blog: so I could hold my tongue when I’m talking to other people; so that I don’t blurt out EVERYTHING I think. I say to myself “maybe I should leave this to the blog instead of talking to other people” because I realise that there needs to be a balance between taking responsibility over your own actions, and relying on others for help. You can’t have one extreme or the other extreme.

Anyway, the point is that there needs to be a balance of what you like and what you dislike about yourself; and you can’t have either a self-defeatist attitude or a boastful attitude about yourself. Easier said than done, I know, but hey…Rome wasn’t built in a day…and it certainly took many decades before it became the empire it’s renowned to be.

That’s why patience, not only with the people around you, but yourself too, is so important. You can’t expect yourself to change overnight. That will just make you more prone to fall right back to Square One. Instead, set up goals that are on a monthly basis. Make them managable and realistic. Create them with insurances depending on your habits, and have a Plan B and Plan C if things go differently.

You need to start by taking control of yourself, and it doesn’t hurt to have others help you along the way. But don’t let them be your crutches. Believe in yourself you can do it, and then just do it. Even if you feel like you might be able to do it tomorrow ot next week, fight that urge, because the more you put it off, the more guilty you’ll feel when you realise you haven’t done it. Biggest anti-procrastination tip, right there.

Once you get the ball rolling, keep pushing it. That’s the key, here. You can’t expect this boulder of self-limitations to keep moving. This isn’t Newton’s First Law of Motion that only applies in space-time. The real world requires continual effort, due to the forces of gravity, surface friction, air resistance, and other forces I’m sure I’ve missed.

If you think “Aww, this is going to be too hard for me. How can I ever really do this?”, then ask yourself this:

“For what do I live?”

“Why am I trying to improve myself again?”

Because I can assure you, even if you think there is NO-ONE who loves you…there is most DEFINITELY someone who loves you. Whether it be God, a social worker, a person who walks by every day, or even a friend with whom you’ve hardly talked…there will ALWAYS be someone who loves you, even if they may not show it in a way you immediately see. So you SHOULD NEVER worry that no-one loves you.

Instead, think about what you can do for yourself, and for others who you respect and/or love. Because deep down, we’re ALL hurting in one way or another. Sometimes we can escape it (because it’s self-imposed), and sometimes we can’t (like the passing of a loved one).

Wow, this became a post about fostering all kinds of relationships, as well as self-care… That was unexpected. But I hope you found this interesting ans useful.

Thanks for reading, and DFTBA!

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4 thoughts on “Relationships and Depression

  1. ❤ ❤ ❤ Tin, this was so beautiful :')))
    It's incredible how introspective you are, and how rapidly you've thought about reflecting on yourself and past experiences since our last conversation. I admit: it would've taken me a lot more time to fully reflect on difficult topics. It's very courageous to write about your feelings and be completely honest and vulnerable; even more so to share it with the world.
    Also, I've always disliked the term "forever alone," because it's a meme that degrades aloneness. Solitude is such a beautiful thing. I have the feeling Western culture –especially ours– overlooks this fact. Yes, it's lovely to be loved… but in my experience, my happiest moments were when I was alone, drinking tea beside notebooks and studying (not cramming, mind you, HAHAHHA). And with the sunshine streaming through my windows and birds chirping.
    Like you said, relationships are an incredible amount of work. Also, it's very common to people –with or without depression– to depend on the other person to complete them. You are definitely not alone. But I feel that has to do with feeling incomplete as a person… I can't really tell you how to overcome these thoughts. In my experience, though, the solution was to do great things by myself: things I've always wanted to do, becoming active in the community, taking on new challenges I've always wanted but never had the courage to do. I think this incompleteness arises from not quite living up to your full potential 🙂
    All in all, a wonderful blog-post ❤ ❤

    Like

    1. It’s all good! Haha! You’re quite an intricately interesting person, with quite a personality and a lot of passion behind your words. The honesty in my posts is only because I feel liberated by it, not chained down by parents or those with malicious intent.

      Liked by 1 person

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