Choosing Confidants

Okay, time to write about how the depressed can find people to be their confidants…

This will be very circumstantial and based on my experience and VERY limited knowledge of human behaviour, of course, so take it with a million grains of salt. I am NOT an expert BY ANY MEANS!

If you ever had problems in your life, you might feel like finding an easy starting point to recover from your traumatic/upsetting past. This can take the form of a new hobby, a new group of people to talk to, a new location to foster your ideas…whatever. When you’re lost, find something new in the world.

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I recently met a person over LINE, which is a messaging service for smartphone/computer users. The relationship I’ve formed with this person relates to what (I assume) a normal shy person would do, hence why I will incorporate some of that stuff here. He will be identified in-text as Gautama-san. I will also assume Gautama-san is male, because I naturally default to that.

Gautama-san, if you’re reading this, just to let you know, I am glad you accept me as your friend. Even though sometimes I may feel awkward, I believe that you are a good man who just needs a friend! 😄

When it comes to people, the first thing you’ve got to do is be friendly to them. Be calm about it, though. Don’t jump out at them with something like the following…

Hey! I see you like (insert common interest here). Think we can be friends?

It NEVER works that well with regular people. We all tend to feel like the person in need is actually trying to scam us if they act so desperate. So find the strength to keep it in just a little longer.

With Gautama-san, I met him in a group chat on LINE for international fans of Love Live! Sunshine, an anime starting up in July 2016. (I have so much hype for it!) He approached me in the group chat and wanted to be my friend. I’ll be honest, I was (and still slightly am) afraid of Gautama-san, because I felt his eagerness was similar to the fake eagerness of scammers and extortionists. That’s why at first I didn’t really want to talk to him, simply because I was afraid he had an ulterior motive.

Once you start talking about your common interests, then start slowly learning about their life. Explore who they are, how they think, and how the feel about certain things around your unsettling past. Don’t be too obvious or ask about it too frequently. It doesn’t hurt to just talk a bit about their day and their plans for a bit first, or even about a new development with your common interests. And even then, constantly trying to talk to them at first may overwhelm the person, so again, take it slow.

Ideally, you just want to ask three or four questions about your issue over the course of a few weeks. If they start discussing to you about it, then follow through with your heart. But don’t give it away that you have depression or anxiety related to that thing. You save that for when you have talked to each other for maybe a bit over a month. You want to make them feel comfortable with your opinion on things.

With Gautama-san, he kinda broke that rule, which only added to my fear. But I was determined to give him a fair chance, so I listened intently to what he had to say. And while it didn’t seem to be a major issue to me, it still clearly distressed him, and thus I had to break through that initial fear in order to be the friend he needed.

If they don’t want to talk about it, or they only give really short answers and then say they need to leave, chances are you might be talking to someone who doesn’t really doesn’t want to be your friend. They could either be people who try to extort you, or simply want to toy with you. Similarly, if they start causing you to feel distressed and/or depressed about your fear more by arguing, or not sharing the same viewpoint as you, then they might not be a good choice as a confidant.

With Gautama-san, I am guilty of cutting him short and making excuses about being busy. Granted, that was only for the first two days. Every day since then, I had exams to revise and parents to help out, whether that was with shopping, being dragged to fix broken plumbing, gardening or whatever. Thankfully, I’ve got more time to talk to Gautama-san now (minus fixing the damn wall that the plumber unnecessarily tore down).

The more charitable and helpful souls will persist with the friendships, because (hopefully) they have a belief that friends are just as important as family. You still need to be careful, though. People can deceive you and then ask for money, your location, or whatever, and then do some very malicious things. A charitable soul will always open up about their experiences and beliefs, and never ask too much information.

Then, when it comes that time, say to them that the reason why you have talked about those issues is because you yourself have trouble. Now, a lot of people (AND I MEAN A LOT OF PEOPLE) tend to have trouble admitting it. But admitting you have a problem is the first step to helping yourself feel better, and therefore do better.

If they offer their hand to help you, tell them that this friendship means a great deal to you, and that you want them to help you get through it. If they know enough about you, and they trust in you enough to believe your request, then they will help you, at least for the time being.

If they start to freak out about it, then it’s a sign that they might not be comfortable with the issue at hand. Either, it’s because they themselves struggle with it, or it’s because they don’t feel like they can talk to you about it. Alternatively, they might be the kind of person who is actually there to extort you, so please take heed with particularly sensitive information.

With Gautama-san, I think I kinda did a mixture of both panic and acceptance. But over time, I’ve grown used to our conversations, and I honestly believe him and I want to help him through his struggles, even if the frequency of his messaging was a bit much at first.

And this is all very much what I have established so far…I can’t really say what to do next…

I want to thank Gautama-san for making me think about this journey that I myself have been through with all my other friends. I also want to thank all of my friends for letting me into their lives, and allowing me to express myself.

And of course, I want to thank you, dear reader, for reading this post. To everyone mentioned,  DFTBA.

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3 thoughts on “Choosing Confidants

  1. I love this ❤ Though I humbly disagree that it can't work in the real world. I've had some super-energetic people come up to me and go, "Hi, I've seen that you and I have ___ in common. I'd love to be friends with you!" and I've been friends with them since :O ❤ (though admittedly, when I say "some," I really just mean 2 people lololol)

    But I love/wholeheartedly agree with this:
    "If they don’t want to talk about it, or they only give really short answers and then say they need to leave, chances are you might be talking to someone who doesn’t really doesn’t want to be your friend."

    Something I wish I'd been told a few years ago 🙂 ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  2. At least you know now, Ramisa-san. And like I said AT THE VERY START, take this with A MILLION grains of salt. It’s not meant to fit every case, but it tries to generalise.

    Like

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