Habitica, for those of you who don’t know, is a website which allows people to prioritise tasks and manage habits while levelling up an MMORPG character. MMORPG stands for “massive multiplayer online role-playing game” and it’s a category of games where you level up a character, gaining stronger equipment and skills in order to defeat (alone or with a team) progressively tougher enemies.
Habitica allows people to join guilds. Some guilds take the MMORPG element of the site seriously. Some guilds take the task management aspect seriously. And some use it as a vessel for support, whether it’s for STEM students (science, technology, engineering and mathematics), those with broken hearts, or those with suicidal tendencies. (You can see where I’m going with this, clearly.)
The Black Ribbon is a guild on Habitica which supports those with suicidal thoughts and depression through discussion and encouragement, as well as providing some phone numbers of suicide and depression hotlines for multiple countries. I stumbled upon this guild as I was exploring what I could do on Habitica. And I’ve been able to ask a lot of questions which, for the most part, I’ve been afraid to talk to people about, let alone have the gall to write about here.
This guild, I must say, is perhaps a little inactive from time to time. But that’s okay, and to be expected, since the site itself is not as well-known as it should be. But regardless, this is giving me some hope for myself.
I asked the guild the following: (it’s long, so sit back and have some popcorn while reading)
I have an issue with contemplating suicide, but I’ve never conducted self-harm, only self-hate. I tear myself down for every single mistake, because in a world where Vietnamese people are a minority hardly ever talked about, I don’t want my nationality to be synonymous to crime or lack of humanity. Not only that, but I don’t want to have my parents be mad at me while I accept my failures as they are. “I destroy my child(ren) to rebuild them better,” is what Asian parents say to themselves. In the end, it seems so futile how we can never truly KNOW if we exist, or if there’s a reason to live. I choose to live not because of getting a job, a house, a car, or whatever my parents want. I live because I want to ease this world from its suffering, even if it means complete removal of suffering is futile. If I can make this world truly one step closer to a utopia with minimal suffering…I would sacrifice life and limb for it.
(sigh) In the end…I suffer, but I’m okay living with it. If everyone could just stop saying “you need to stop saying stuff and start doing things in order to beat your depression”, then I’d be happier. If people could just say, “yes, I admire your determination” then I would be crying happy tears. But no, everyone just says that i’m being a crybaby and that i just need to suck it up. that i just need to “fight through this depression”, because it’s not depression, it’s resolve. It’s the reason I live. And you’re saying that it’s a reason to die…
(sigh) How do I resolve this?
Within the day I posted this, I had two responses: one from Kazas and another from Maurits.
Kazas: If “it’s not depression, it’s resolve.” – I don’t see a problem. I adore people that can feel their own suffering and the suffering of the people around them. As I can feel from your message, your “reason to live” is noble, kind and truly unique. Mistakes are made and anguish is felt, but you shouldn’t focus on that. Just review your mistakes, understand what you did wrong and move on forwards. It’s quite simple, but at times – hard to do. You could also pay more attention to others around you. By helping them with their troubles and suffering, you’ll draw attention away from your own hardships. In such, by helping others, you’ll be helping yourself as well 🙂
Maurits: I have no advice whatsoever but I think that your goal is inspiring and beautiful. And to be honest, I haven’t seen any suicidal person with such an optimistic goal and view of the future. So if no one else says it, I’ll say it: I admire your determination. I honestly do. I hope you’ll hold on to your ideals, they’re beautiful.
And while these two didn’t really address my question, at least they acknowledged just how much intensity I have, and how much control I feel I have over it, even if it disagrees with the general public’s idea of control. I think living with depression and suicidal thoughts is just as much a valid option as is curing it, much like regret. (I’ll link a TED Talk about living WITH regret here.)
Here’s my response to their input, and this is what I’ll be looking for a response to:
@Kazas & @Maurits — Thank you so much for your input. I’m glad that my vision for the world is not just a side effect of being depressed. I guess I should ask this question a bit more succinctly, now that I’ve distanced myself a bit from that mentality when I wrote my last message. This is open to anyone.
“What should I do with parents who are overprotective about every single aspect on your life, from who you study with, to when should you go to the movies, to where should you eat, to what you can and can’t do in terms of doing things which relax you and keep your mind off depression?”
The more I listen to my parents, the more I end up demonising their intentions. It’s something I can’t ignore, since it’s so damn blatant and it occurs in EVERY aspect of my life (no joke). And I have this issue because, like I said, I have a dream to make everyone happy. That includes my parents, but holy hell is it difficult to do that. I know people will say it’s impossible to make everyone happy, but I will damn as hell suffer through depression if it means my goal will be realised eventually. It’s possible, if people don’t let themselves be restricted by our fabricated restrictions.
I know that I write too much, and that this can also be used to justify malicious actions, but this is who I am. And in my eyes, this is the responsibility of every human on Earth: to overcome all obstacles to make life on Earth comfortable for all (plants, animals, humans, and spirits alike).
Now, I think it’s worth mentioning that ever since starting up this blog, I’ve been more and more consumed with these heavy thoughts, to the point where I think I’m damaging my relationships. But holy hell, once the ball starts rolling, is it hard to stop!
Let’s end this on a more positive note. Thank you, dear reader, for reading this blog post.
I’ve been writing on this blog for nearly three months now, and I THINK I have some sort of readership. To all of those who have been checking this blog regularly, THANK YOU SO MUCH!
But no individual reader is to be left un-thanked, so once again thank YOU, dear reader, for reading this, and DFTBA!
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