Recently, I’ve been in a creative mood, what with the Full Chuunibyou (Part One) and 愛たい posts (and the spontaneous Your Pain? post). But one might’ve noticed that I took a tiny hiatus before the back-to-back (to back) posts. Simply put, it was because I’ve been struggling with the motivation to study. Moreover, the root of the issue might be because I simply don’t have a high level of regard for myself to begin with. Why is that, one might wonder.
I think it has something to do with my childhood, and how I can never really bring myself to forget the suffering I endured. A little spark within me believes that holding onto your failures is the only way you’re gonna remind yourself that you did something wrong before, and that you gotta change in order for there to be a better outcome.
But then the problem with that – and I experience this very often – is that I end up replaying this mistake in my mind multiple times. It debilitates me, it throws me off guard. It sends me down a spiral of denial and self-hate. I jump on a scary-go-round, and I can never seem to get off it. I actually broke down during a uni practical this week, because I jokingly complimented my lab partner while role-playing as a patient.
The lecturer, unknowing of my past, light-heartedly told me to stop, since the comment was “borderline sexual harassment”. Little did she know that I was actually accused of being borderline sexually abusive to my ex-girlfriend when we initially broke up. It was a guidance counsellor who said this. I really wanted her to come back to me, so I guess I went a bit too far. A hug, checking up on her after the break-up… I can see my errors… and I want to kill myself for it. I made a painful thing so much more unbearable.
When you’re a kid who really wants to find some sort of reason to keep living, in a world which seems to just want you dead, it’s really tough for anyone who loves you to be able to drag you out when they themselves have their burdens. Especially if this person is not 100% invested in you, because she has a mother who has been diagnosed with early-stage breast cancer, has her own anxiety issues, and has eczema which is irritated by excessive sugar and grass.
Yeah, caught between a rock and a hard place, huh?
Which is why I’m kinda glad that she left me. It was the best decision for both of us, anyway. Even if it did leave me forever scarred from loving someone romantically, and even if it might’ve caused her much anguish in the initial stages. In the end, I really don’t care about myself any more than I did before I dated her. And in the end, she should be happier now.
But really, as I sit here on the Goodwill Bridge (and edit this at home), I realise that this blog will be my way of getting my thoughts and emotions out of my mind…for them to be something more than just ideas…for them to, hopefully, affect someone in a way that changes their life for the better. The sun is setting, the sky lights are just starting to litter the city nightscape…and I hope my thoughts and dreams will someday shine amongst the stars of the night sky, guiding lost souls like the Northern Star. (Extremely wishful thinking, I know.)
But then again, why would I think that this blog is actually helping people? I’m not experienced…my age is clearly a rough indication of my naivety. All I’m doing is writing stuff onto a subdomain I got for free on WordPress, and hoping for it to be helpful. I’m not doing anything physically helpful. I’m not being deliberate in my choice of topic or vocabulary. I’m just being stupid and selfish, letting my mouth run until it’s as dry as Antarctica. No one else comments on my blog except Ramisa and myself, (bar that one person MC – thank you very much for your input!) and I don’t even know if the views I get on my blog are because of actual readers, or if it’s because I keep checking the website to ensure everything is to my pleasing…
Self-doubt, ladies and gentlemen: a side-effect of having depression when being creative.
In any case, hopefully my blog will help me brighten the darkness I placed myself in, as well as the abyss other people may find themselves in. I love the light in my life, but without its darkness, I doubt anyone can truly appreciate the beauty of either.
Thank you, dear reader, for sticking around till the end. If you want to see more, subscribe to the blog. (I realise if people don’t subscribe to the blog on PC, then it’s nearly impossible to subscribe on mobile devices, especially on the app. I will try to find a way to fix it, I swear!)
DFTBA, and take care.