Emotional Vent #1 (Romance)

Sorry…I just needed to get this out of my system… DFTBA.

NO! PLEASE! GET OUT OF MY HEAD!!!

I DON’T WANT YOU TO HAUNT ME ANY MORE!!!

I loved you once…I would love you again, given the chance… But knowing what I did to you…what suffering I put you through…what I went through in my past… I can’t let myself do that to you again… I can not love you again…

First it was my ex girlfriend, and now it’s you… it’s you… I’m stuck loving you now… And I can’t get it out of my head… it’s all a blur now… all I see is your face… your laugh…your smile… all the love I poured into this and what do I get…isolation…loneliness…again…

Why? WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE CHRISTIAN GIRLS?! Why does it have to be girls who can’t date me…why do I love them… why do they love me… why does ANYONE love ANYONE ELSE?! It’s so stupid…so crazy, so naive, so… wrong to love me…

I have done nothing to deserve your love…your attention, your care, your patience… NOTHING! All I have been is myself: alone, hurt, seeking love, and killing myself trying to find it… Nothing… I’ve done nothing for this world… no good has ever come out of me… and none ever will…

and as we talked on the phone, i hear the streams of doubt and fear flooding my mind… how can i love you if God fears me pulling you away from the light you gave me?! WHY DOES GOD TEAR ME APART?! Not just you…not just me… BUT EVERYONE?! WHY?!

I pushed her away from me… He pulls you away from me… He makes all my trusted female friends turn against me…and leave in the darkness that i once carved out for myself… as a hole…to protect myself from the world…and the world from me…

as i sit here… all alone in the darkness… i hear your voice… i want it to stop… i want the memories of hugging you so close…smelling your beautiful hair…i want them to stop…because if i continue this way it will start to destroy me…it will start to mutate me into something that will hurt you… and i don’t want to hurt you…

I sit here…alone. In my home, while you are away at church…I suffer this horrible pain. I don’t blame you…I don’t regret you… You are another beautiful soul I love… another Christian girl who loves me for who I am… Yet can not go further with that love. You sing, right now, for the Glory of God…the Almighty Creator and Saviour of our existence… Yet, here I am…feeling like I’m the one destined to undo all His hard work.

Such is the cruelty of religion… We connect on such a deep level, yet it is not deep enough. Our spiritual auras are all out of whack, and… I know that you and I can never love each other THAT WAY. I’m not frustrated with that… at least, I shouldn’t be…

I guess I’m just still trying to deny the destiny God put upon me… or rather, my karma has put upon me. To be left in the darkness…to have my right hand forged in the shadows of my sins, and my left hand burned for all the horrid crimes I’ve committed. I see them now…I see my hands, alight; my right in purple and black flames, my left in red and orange. They flicker as I stare at them…they burn my retinas…they burn my soul…but they don’t lighten it. It is still heavy with the misdeeds of my past. All that will be left, once the embers have finally died, and the ashes have settled, is my sadness.

Sorry…I just needed to get this out of my system… DFTBA.