Degradation of My Mental State

It’s hard to focus on studying when things just get out of control in your personal life. Recently, I’ve been going through that, and I just wanted to share with you a bit of Schon-style reflection: once in action, and once after action. This is a concept that I studied in Semester One, and it was a basis upon which I could piece together what happened, how it happened, why it happened, what I learned from it, and what I could do to improve upon it.

September 12

When you meet someone who understands you at such a deep level, and then she decides that you both should commit to a trial period before actually dating, and then you both decide to go against the relationship for religious reasons, after one day… and you’re still really good friends…and then all you think about, when she’s away, is how amazing she is…it gets to you…REALLY HARD.

That’s been me for the past week…the week before mid-semester exams, surprise surprise. It’s kinda crazy…one day you’re just enjoying your best friend’s birthday party (your friend is a Christian girl, while you are Buddhist), then a week later you’re in a trial dating week with an aquaintance from said party, then a day later you two stop it (because you know your religious beliefs will clash). You end up feeling a sense of emptiness…that you knew it wouldn’t end well but you desperately wanted it to.

I’m no first-time victim to it. I felt this way about my ex, and we lasted for about a year. She wasn’t able to tolerate my depression…nor could she tolerate how I only found light in my life through her love. She just couldn’t take it. How foolish was I to be so desperate.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

September 22

But now, after stepping into the future, I realise that my desperation is shameful in a way, but it was also necessary. I know that I’ve been through it once, and I was able to stop myself from clutching at straws again, because I kept everything in perspective.

When my ex and I broke up…God knows I went demonic. I summoned the anger and sadness I had bided for years, and I unleashed it upon myself, my friends, my teachers, my family even… It was horrible. But it was necessary. It was necessary have that catharsis, though I wish I didn’t have to make it so dramatic. I wish there was a room, just for myself, where I could just yell, scream, sing, and cry all at once, just to free myself from my own shackles.

And now, after a few weeks with my new friend, she seems to be okay with it. I guess that makes sense, since she’s a Chrisitan who’s five years older than me. (Yes, a person FIVE YEARS OLDER than me wanted to date me…I am at a loss for words, still.) She told me that not only was it that she didn’t want a boyfriend who would try to protect her (she was capable of emotionally and mentally taking care of herself), but because her religion didn’t support relationships with followers of other religions, for fear of becoming a heretic, or something.

Side note: I know that I give Christianity a bad wrap, but for what it’s worth, their intentions are good. It’s just I find their methods more questionable than I do Buddhism, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have a few bones to pick with Buddhism too. I want a fair judgement of all religions and philosophies, with no assumptions or pretenses.

But then I started breaking down again, this time questioning the validity of my life through my limited knowledge of God’s word and His judgement. I came to the same conclusion from when I analysed my life through my limited Buddhist knowledge: that I could not live in her world…nor that I could live in Heaven with her. It mutated into telling her to leave me, out of fear of me hurting her by letting her stay. I told her that if her secret reason for “loving me” was to convert me, then she should expect that I would be more than happy to return her to God in Heaven. I am horrific, I know. I’m no Buddhist…I incite hatred in people, particularly Christians.

She replied with something quite profound. She said the following:

[M]y point is, just by giving you love and friendship is not going to convert you, without God. (sic.)

If I have a secret agenda, you won’t be able to tell, just saying.

But I don’t have one.

[I]f that’s all it takes my closest friends should be [C]hristians by now.

There’s no need on having one. (sic.)

[I]t’s like a farmer sowing seeds.

[O]f course [H]e would know not all seeds would sprout.

[D]oes that mean he would stop sowing?

[M]y point, it would be natural for it (other Christians) to want to convert people.

To which I reply:

He only reaps the ones that sprout, just like a normal farmer.
He takes the ones who sprout and takes them with Him to Heaven.
The rest suffer eternally in the harsh circumstances, and those who will never sprout will suffer eternally in Hell, where I belong.
Therefore, it’s futile to love me, since I never will go to Heaven, in any way.

I think I hurted her deeply there and then. I love her as a friend…a very trustworthy friend, who is really open towards me. But…deep down, I always think that I’m never good enough to live, let alone love anyone properly. So I always end up pushing away those I love.

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And when that day comes, I know I will regret it…I will be alone in my darkest hours yet…but it will be for the best. Solitary death is the only liberation from the sin and suffering I cause.

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3 thoughts on “Degradation of My Mental State

  1. Sometimes I think things shouldn’t be thought of differently unless it is required to. You see division where you want to see it. If you could try, just try to not allow it to enter your thoughts, I believe you will do well. You have to look at the surface because if you can’t assess that, how can you assess the deeper stuff. Remember most humans don’t focus on the deeper stuff unless they get really close to you, so it means you shouldn’t be so hard on yourself.

    With the other posts you say other people ought to understand and be kind. I bet people are, just that eventually, they would need you to push yourself up. If you stay in a hole, your friends don’t want to be drag in with you if they are helping you. You gotta drag yourself up and they will help.

    You see I know it is hard, I have had it myself but there’s thing in life, I don’t know what it is. Like how a wave on the beach is formed. It starts off with a little peak and then a slightly bigger and then a bigger one, until it crashes onto the beach. Well that’s how making friends was for me, kinda hard.

    So three things here:
    1) It is kinda hard to start, but you will get there

    2) You need to or otherwise friends aren’t going to stick around

    3) Sensitivity, you gotta know next to no one is out for you. I know that’s past problems, but we should look in the present and the future whilst understanding the past. A pilot knows his past training and has probably done multiple simulations of it, yet he does not feel afraid of flying in real life since he understands what those past experiences mean. Overthinking about the past is in my view not understanding it, it is controlling you and it does not seem good for you.

    I know that may be tough to hear but that’s how it is man. That’s the world, and you gotta fit in with the world if you wanna be happy. It doesn’t mean conform, it means how to be smarter in dealing with your problem. You won’t get your way in life at all, you gotta compromise and then you feel happier.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I guess what I want to say is that…I don’t want to change. I think I’ve had enough of changing to suit people’s tastes and opinions, because it ends up being that they aren’t satisfied with any part of my existence…no matter what change I do. I’m talking about my parents, primarily.

      So in the end, I think the main issue is that I see this blog…more or less as a final will. I’ve practically given up on trying to keep dreams alive, because I know how cruel the world can be. It’s not a matter of I NEED to get myself up. It’s more like I don’t WANT to…because of my past.

      I know you’re being helpful. I’m not saying you’re being unhelpful. In fact, the whole reason I write posts is because I want to inspire discussion. I want to have people talk about their greatest fears, without prejudice, without malice, and without fear.

      I don’t want to stand anymore. I want to lie down on the ground and look up at the sky. I don’t want to keep looking ahead, because I know I will eventually look down to my feet, and that’s when I spiral into depression.

      It’s okay…I’m doing what I want now. I want to look up, so let me. I want to have dreams, but I don’t believe they can happen. But having dreams is better than my childhood, when I was faced with nothing but goals I must reach and accolades I must collect. I am at an age where I am free to dream, and I can get study work done too.

      So thank you, Daniel. Really, I say thank you for reading and taking the time to reply. But I believe there is nothing else I need to do but to just let myself go… DFTBA.

      Like

    2. Alright then Tin Tin, I tried that as well, it didn’t work.
      Call it the market, call it learning, I did not want to have myself locked out anymore.
      I guess experience will be our only teacher, perhaps it will be yours

      Like

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