Ramisa the Authoress recently contacted me – we correspond on a personal level – and she mentioned that “everyone feels like they’re talking to a stone wall; you never seem to listen to anyone, despite their genuine desire of helping you.” They see me as a stone wall.
And that got me thinking…why am I a stone wall to others? Why am I so intolerant of other people’s opinion of me? Why do I think it’s a horrible mistake for other people to love me, like me, appreciate and respect me? Why do I never deserve to live? Why don’t I want to be a Christian, to have a relationship with God, the Holy Adjudicator of Benevolence and Justice, the entity who so gave us the ability to choose and to still be at His judicial yet loving mercy? Why do I not believe that I am a Buddhist, as someone who strives to unify the world through love and peace within ourselves as well as with each other, through the cessation of greed, selfishness, desires, and fears?
Oh I feel overjoyed…when you listen to my words. (Song link and reference.)
In the end, I feel that the reason why I got myself into this spiral of self-hatred…is because I was never RIGHT, and that I never will be RIGHT. I was never 100% correct about anything, and growing up with parents who wanted me to excel in school for the sake of my future…that meant I had no future. Never being 100% correct meant that I never could have the future my parents wanted me to have, that I could never make my family, nor my friends, nor the world happy. Essentially, if I wasn’t 100% right about something, there was no point in living, because I would fail the objectives not only set out by my parents, but by my religion too. And that…THAT is FAR worse than killing. It’s ultimately being useless, unnecessary in a world where everyone needs to be a Buddha in order for all suffering to end.
But that’s the thing…when I realised I could never be right about anything…I just shut down. I gave up on life…I never wanted to live on…because all that I was expecting was…failure…redundancy…death.
And I still see it in my life today. Even though I try to hide it from myself, it’s still there. The hatred and doubt, the fear and pain… It’s all because I’m trying to be pure the only way I know how: by destroying every fibre of my being, in order for my judgement to come. In order for my existence to finally mean something…not just this stupid limbo of good and evil, where I’m never truly villainous or heroic. I want to be one or the other…I want to be on a side…I don’t want to have to choose. Because then, if I choose, the people I love will be forever hated by me or forever loved by me. Then there will be no unity. Then there will always be a broken dichotomy that must not exist if we are to truly be united as who we are.
But that’s the thing…I’m not a hero. People say I’m not a villain, but I’m still hurtful because I talk as if I know who they should befriend, who should they love, and who should they loathe while wielding torched pitchforks. They dislike me because I don’t stand up for myself, because I never do anything, that I just complain. But they like me because I inspire them with my words, even though I demoralise them (and myself) with my actions.
I just…want to be free from suffering this. I want to be free. But by being free, I must follow the path of the Buddha, or the path of a Christian, or a Muslim, or a Taoist, or whatever. I’m not good enough on my own. I know I’m not. I never will be, because I’m never right. I’m just wrong…wrong…wrong…and I will never win…just lose…just lose everything…everyone…nothing will be left…but the shadows…the darkness…the light will die…life will die…the Universe will die…condensed by the gravitational influence of dark matter…into nothingness…into something inconceivably dense and devoid of life, that I don’t care about what’s beyond that.
That’s it…that’s who I am. That’s how I truly think and feel. This is the definitive version of my mentality at its fullest. The momentum of despair, hatred, and fear….it’s all their to feed my insanity. It’s what I chose as a child, and I brainwashed myself into it…even up to now.