A Severe Amount of Dread

A severe amount of dread fills me at this moment of time.

Having grown up in an Asian family, with a family history of refugee travelling, poverty, and general cruelty to people’s emotional and mental states…I am no stranger to exams.

Likewise, I am no stranger to anatomy. I have been to every Regional and Sectional Anatomy lecture and practical…but I never reviewed the work week by week.

It just seems to pile up. I just keep running away from it while I can.

And now…I cannot. I have to stand up to it.

But shouldn’t learning be fun? Why did the guidance counsellor say that being a student “is a job”, and that I have to put the hours into “the job of being a student”?

I just…can’t deal with that. Not after everything I’ve been through…not when I finally have a choice to be happy with what I do for once.

Good god, anatomy. You are such a demanding field of science. I don’t want to work hard anymore. I just want to have fun…to enjoy life instead of having to hate everything because I need to be in it for the long run.

Has my adolescence, of trying to escape constant malevolence and self-hatred, really been a waste of academic talent? Should I have just stayed a bratty bastard of a child, in hopes that I would get top marks in everything, that I’d be the best the world has ever seen?

No. I don’t believe in that anymore. I don’t want to think that my evil self…that hatred towards others simply because I don’t want them to drag me down… I don’t want to think my evil childhood self was actually a benefit to me. I don’t.

Because if that was true, then that means my mother would’ve died of cancer. My dad would have abandoned my sister and I, because of his destructive depression, which continues to torment my family even to this day.

I want to believe that life is better because I chose to be so loving…that I chose to find external love that didn’t involve a sick-to-near-death mother or a rampaging demon of a father. I want to believe that I…who is venting out his fear in hopes for emotional stability…have made the right choice.

I want to believe that my choices actually were for my own good. That MY choices…not my parents….MY choices were the ones that saved me from killing my family in a fit of rage. I want to believe my choices gave me a reason to live…even if it was just teenage love.

I never had a dream. My duty was to obey my parents, and I was conditioned to believe that academic scores were the end-all be-all. I still haven’t gotten out of it. I still think that my exams, my livelihood, my existence…that they all hinge on these one-shot-only exams. That if I had to repeat some subjects, it was the end. That my future would be debt-stricken, my job will be non-existent, my family would disown me, and that I would fail the one duty that every human has: to serve humanity in order to liberate it from suffering.

The thought of studying anatomy is chewing at me, because of all the complex terminology, the sheer volume of things to rote-learn, and the linking of everything to one another. It’s crippling me…just like my break-up with my ex on Valentine’s Day. From Valentine’s to Valentine’s, huh? Shocking.

But it’s not like I’m not familiar with this sensation. I’ve encountered the emotions who are the bearers of this vibrant party of negative energy. Anxiety, Pessimism, Self-Hatred, and Cynicism have all knocked on my door simultaneously, wanting to wish me well on my journey to the Great Beyond.

The Great Journey, huh? Sounds just like the Covenant from the Halo gaming franchise. The Covenant (of aliens) believed that a multi-galactic extermination ring would be the weapon to carve a new universe where they would reign supreme. Just like how these negative feelings think they can kill me so easily…

They get close. But not close enough.

By writing this, I’ve become more aware of these feelings, and now I’m actively trying to suppress them for the time being. But they still linger in my mind, making my heart ache because of Anxiety and Pessimism. They make my will become weak, through the intervention of Cynicism and Self-Hatred. I will probably break down and cry again.

But God… No.

Nam Mô A Di Đà Phật.
May my prayer be heard.
I pray that you, Oh mighty and wise Buddha,
Give me the strength and courage to dispel these demons from my mind.

Nam Mô A Di Đà Phật.
I pray that my selfishness will not cause strife in my future.
I pray for there to be love and peace in everyone’s hearts and minds,
Especially mine, since I am suffering at this moment.

Nam Mô A Di Đà Phật.
I pray fervently for there to be less suffering and more compassion.
I pray there to be more peace and patience for ourselves and for others.
I pray for forgiveness and charity in people’s hearts,
But not at the expense of others.

Nam Mô A Di Đà Phật.
May love and peace spread throughout the lands, skies, and seas.
May your guidance and teachings on this Earth guide us to Nirvana.
May we all be free from sin and suffering, through the catharsis of desire.

Nam Mô A Di Đà Phật…


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