Reflecting on the Past

Death lurks by my door. By my wall, my home, my class, my heart and mind.

The sins of my past come to haunt me…they torment me. They want me to suffer for what I did to her, oh so long ago.

How I betrayed her trust, ruined her purity, and destroyed every ounce of courage and strength I so desperately admired in her.

But then, I look at the Sun. I look at Ra, Apollo and Isis. The sun gods smile upon me today. They shed light in my world of self-imposed darkness.

I chose this life of suffering and pain, because I want to bring happiness to everyone I can. I chose to wrench my heart because I thought it would make me feel more human…make me less evil and sinful…to compensate for my self-described atrocities against nature and life.

Death lingers in my life as it takes my uncles and aunties, the family of friends, and the friends of mentors. It howls for my blood…it reminds me of who I truly am…what I have done to the people around me.

I accept my pain and suffering as a token of gratitude for the people and the society that kept me alive until now. To me, Death is my reminder of my failures and shortcomings, and the reasons why I should abandon this mortal coil.

And the Sun is a reminder of why the gods keep me alive even now… They remind me that all my pain and suffering is for the people. To suffer is to help others not suffer. You cannot abolish darkness, but you can redirect the light just like a mirror-lens system or fibre optic cables (medical imaging study material, sorry).

To shine light on a world born from darkness…that is the role of the sun gods…Ra, Apollo, Isis…  I praise you. I praise the light the world experiences every day.

I hope one day I will become a shining beacon of light…of hope and humanity…for the love of the people…for the love of humankind…

For the love of those who have come before…

Character card of Ra, the Egyptian Sun God from the game Smite